I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize