I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize