I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize