you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
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It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize