So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
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Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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