your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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