I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
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people are starting to question the shark bite story
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
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That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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