kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
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That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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