How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
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we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
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Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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