like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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