Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
