dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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