How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
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she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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