saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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