saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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