You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
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i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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