Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you had me at cake vodka
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
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It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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