A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize