Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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