Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
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you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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