my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
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I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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