the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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