I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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