I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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