Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I AM VODKA MAN
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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