I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize