How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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