after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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