I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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