my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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