I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
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Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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