the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
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I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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