The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
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she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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