I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
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Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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