Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize