Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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