I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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