The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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