During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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