I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
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I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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