Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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