i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You can't special order awesome
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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