I accidentally had phone sex last night
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
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I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's blow job season.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
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Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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