I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
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He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
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I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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