just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
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You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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