Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize