Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He did a backflip because drugs
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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