Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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