I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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