Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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